Monday, February 7, 2011

Mourning the Loss

Today I am mourning. Actually I have been in mourning for quite a while. I am mourning what could have been. A little over a year ago I was down 70 pounds. I had just hit onederland, and things were awesome! I felt in control of my life and my body. I was actually enjoying exercise, and that high I got afterward.

Then, on January 9th I found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked. My baby was two, and I really had thought that we were done with our family. After all we had five children already. I was just starting to feel a little bit of independence now that my youngest was two.

It was a Saturday morning when I took the pregnancy test. 6:00a.m. I starred at the pregnancy test in shock. I crawled back in bed with my unsuspecting, sleeping hubby. I laid there for an hour. And then I started to cry. My shaking body woke my husband up. He was wonderful of course, and put on his bravest, happy face for me.

I wasn't mentally prepared. I was so upset. I had worked my butt off for 9 months. I had sacrificed so much. And now, now I was losing control of my body. There would be no dieting, no pushing myself to the limit with exercise, no cute smaller clothes. All that energy I had gained would go right out the window. No matter what I did I was going to get bigger. Much bigger. I would feel tired, and sick, and miserable.

Now I sit here. Thirteen months later. My adorable five month old is propped in my lap, as I try to type. I love her beyond words. I am so glad she is here. But I am mourning the loss of all my hard work. I look at Chris from A Deliberate Life. (I would post a link if I knew how) We were within 10 pounds of each other in December 2009. Now she is almost to goal, and I am back at the beginning. I am so HAPPY for her success. She has worked hard, and totally deserves every bit of it. But I HATE that I am back at the beginning.

So there is my pouty rant. It is what it is, and I just need to pick myself up from where I am at this moment, and move forward.

P.S. I still love to read Chris's blog. It is one of my favorites! It reminds me of what I can be. She gives me hope of what I can do too.


  1. Everyone is entitled to a little pout and mourning once in awhile. The same thing happened to my mother and she cried and cried. Of course, she loved my brother when he arrived, but it was a surprise arrival and hard on her body.

    But you will overcome (as you know) and move beyond this day. One thing you know - you've done it before, you'll do it again. I'm rooting for you!

  2. This happened to me both times...with both pregnancies. I was losing and feeling good and then BAM!: baby. I, too, had my share of tears. is so much neater with the little ones and weight always comes off. It's something that we owe our wonderful bodies for giving us the little ones we now completely adore and can't imagine living without.


    I'm happy to join you on your new journey. :)

  3. We have all got our woulda, coulda, shouldas, but the important thing is to grab hold of the NOW and take command of it. You've done this before and you can and will do it again.

  4. I was just starting to lose when I found out I was pregnant in August of 2009 now I am just trying to get my footing again. We can do this!

  5. Sometimes we need a minute to feel sorry for ourselves. Lord knows I've done it about a million times. But all that hard work, all that determination you showed before the birth of your awesome baby is just a sign of thing to come.

    You CAN do this. You WILL do this. It's not a "what if." It's more of a "YOU BET YOUR ASS I CAN."

    I believe in you.

    Goodbye, Fat Girl!

  6. I agree - you can do this. You've done it before and while that might feel daunting, I have to say that I think it just shows that you can do it again.

    You can do this!!! :)

  7. I get reminiscent of when I managed to lose 20lbs and weighed 65lbs less than I do now. And I didn't even need to get pregnant to gain all that weight!
    It's hard to think we might be doing this for nothing, but we're not. Once it's over, it's over, because we'll really know what it is to be at this weight and will do everything we can not to go back.

  8. Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving some love on my blog. I really appreciate it. And now, I just have to agree with the others. It's time to look ahead and put the past to rest. You have a beautiful daughter who loves you, and that's the best reason in the world to gain weight and maintain a healthy pregnancy. Now that she's here, it's time to move forward and not mourn what was. You'll get there again! Hang in there. *Hugs*