Today I am mourning. Actually I have been in mourning for quite a while. I am mourning what could have been. A little over a year ago I was down 70 pounds. I had just hit onederland, and things were awesome! I felt in control of my life and my body. I was actually enjoying exercise, and that high I got afterward.
Then, on January 9th I found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked. My baby was two, and I really had thought that we were done with our family. After all we had five children already. I was just starting to feel a little bit of independence now that my youngest was two.
It was a Saturday morning when I took the pregnancy test. 6:00a.m. I starred at the pregnancy test in shock. I crawled back in bed with my unsuspecting, sleeping hubby. I laid there for an hour. And then I started to cry. My shaking body woke my husband up. He was wonderful of course, and put on his bravest, happy face for me.
I wasn't mentally prepared. I was so upset. I had worked my butt off for 9 months. I had sacrificed so much. And now, now I was losing control of my body. There would be no dieting, no pushing myself to the limit with exercise, no cute smaller clothes. All that energy I had gained would go right out the window. No matter what I did I was going to get bigger. Much bigger. I would feel tired, and sick, and miserable.
Now I sit here. Thirteen months later. My adorable five month old is propped in my lap, as I try to type. I love her beyond words. I am so glad she is here. But I am mourning the loss of all my hard work. I look at Chris from A Deliberate Life. (I would post a link if I knew how) We were within 10 pounds of each other in December 2009. Now she is almost to goal, and I am back at the beginning. I am so HAPPY for her success. She has worked hard, and totally deserves every bit of it. But I HATE that I am back at the beginning.
So there is my pouty rant. It is what it is, and I just need to pick myself up from where I am at this moment, and move forward.
P.S. I still love to read Chris's blog. It is one of my favorites! It reminds me of what I can be. She gives me hope of what I can do too.